“Isn’t it depressing being around grieving people all the time?” I get asked this question constantly whether I am telling somebody what I do for a living, have a new follower on Twitter, or even a curious family at the funeral home, and I completely understand why you would. You would assume everyone that comes in would be upset, crying, etc. which is usually the case, but often people are angry – angry the person died and left them, angry they are in charge of taking care of the planning and estate, angry they have to pay for the costs…angry for a number of reasons and unfortunately they usually take it out on the funeral director. They may not even realize how they are dealing with the loss; emotions run extremely high and some people deal with grief differently than others. It also comes with a lot of stress, anxiety and irritability. You also have people that don’t show much emotion, mostly because they haven’t come to terms with the death and sometimes this comes with indecisiveness and procrastination which can be very frustrating. No matter what kind of emotions you are dealing with, it does take a certain type of individual to handle the bereaved. For the most part we can set our personal emotions aside. There’s something in the back of our heads that say “Thank goodness I’m not in these peoples shoes… it’s not me going through this.” You can never start to think about ‘what if this was your child, your mother, your father, your husband, your wife, etc.’ because emotions will hit you like a ton of bricks and you won’t be able to do the job. Sure, we are human and sometimes it’s hard to hold it together, and I’ve seen the funeral directors shed a few tears for someone, especially if we can relate their loss to one of our own. But that’s a good thing, we haven’t become numb! And when someone is angry and taking it out on us, sure, we can slip and take it personally, but, to that one difficult person or family we have ten families that are so grateful that we are helping them through what is likely the most difficult time in their entire life. When we help with all their needs or put together a personalized funeral that exceeds their expectations, the rewarding feeling and is so worth the time spent (and perhaps the few tears we spilled in the background). It’s what makes us walk through the front doors of our funeral home every day.
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Tags: bereaved, crematorium, depressing, emotions, funeral director, funeral director emotions, funeral girl, funeral job, funeral planning, funeral profession, funeral service, grieving, interview, mortician, mourning, sad, the funeral girl, undertaker, upset
As my three month probationary period was creeping closer and closer, I felt myself getting more and more unsettled about the fact that I was still undecided whether I wanted to get my dual license (funeral director and embalmer) or just funeral director. On one side, the dual would take me more places – outside this corporation they look for duals, especially in small towns and small funeral homes. However, on the other side, I like this corporation and I like this funeral home so if I ever wanted to change my location there are a number or funeral homes in this corporation I could transfer to. With this being said I couldn’t come up with a reason to do the embalming side. In just the last couple years the funeral directors apprenticeship changed, requiring one to learn how to wash, dress, set features, cosmetize etc. So as far as the business goes, I would still have prep room experience and a good understanding of what exactly goes on in there. I felt uneasy about making the decision I had to make and decided to have a heart-to-heart with my boss. It went really well, he agreed with every point I made and told me if I ever regretted not doing the embalming apprenticeship that the corporation could pay for me to go later on. After this conversation I felt great and at peace with my decision to just get my funeral directors license. Basically this means I won’t be authorized or certified to do embalmings or work on autopsied bodies. Now, since I have some issues with eyes and packing *ahem* holes… I’m going to continue spending time in the prep room before my apprenticeship officially begins to get as comfortable as possible.
Tags: apprenticeship, autopsy, cemetery, embalmer, embalmer apprenticeship, embalmer license, embalming, funeral chapel, funeral corporation, funeral director, funeral director apprenticeship, funeral director license, funeral girl, funeral home, funeral profession, funeral professional, funeral service, interview, role of funeral director, the funeral girl, undertaker
Caution: Contains some graphic info.
I spent a couple of mornings in the prep room and what I witnessed over those two days is too much for one post. As I write I’ll further be absorbing just what I was subjected to, which is never in my wildest dreams…or nightmares…what I ever believed I would see.
I met the prep room staff in the coffee room first thing in the morning and asked if there was something I could observe that day. As I think I mentioned in one of my last posts, it’s about taking some baby steps in the prep room to get me used to being around and handling the deceased to make sure this was a career I could deal with. The embalmer jokingly, or so I thought, said “yep you can observe the two decomposed bodies we had delivered this morning” and chuckled. I said sarcastically “oh perfect” not realizing she was completely serious…until I followed her into the prep room and was nearly knocked off my feet by the smell. She handed me a medical gown, medical cap, mask, two sets of rubber gloves (to double up on my hands,) a paper and a pen. I dressed up and took a look at the sheet of paper, it was to take down information about the deceased -checklists for what appeared (or didn’t appear) i.e. tattoos, teeth, clothing, decomposer…mold, signs of dehydration etc. The embalmer, Lynn, opened the first body bag and the smell was even more sickening then what was in the air. I could see the side of the body and it was covered in green fuzzy mold, exactly what you would see growing on really old food. The smell, as Lynn pointed out, did have a moldy scent to it, it was horrible to say the least. I didn’t want to get too close, so Lynn read out to me what I needed to mark down on the sheet. Tattoos, 4 of them but unrecognizable, autopsy had been performed, mold all over, eyes now non-existent, no teeth but in the body bag came a pair of dentures and a shirt, blanket, and pair of jeans. The body was arranged to be cremated so we transferred it to a box, marked the decedents name on it, and put it in the cooler until it would be time to have it transferred to the crematorium.
The second decomposed body was one that had been in a fire. The sight is so horrific yet at the same time it doesn’t even look like a human being anymore so somehow my brain put some emotion aside, it’s like it wasn’t real. There was no sign of skin, just a layer of what looked like thick black charcoal. I believe it was CSI or a similar show that I was once watching that had a burn victim, and now that I think about it, they were pretty bang-on. What really grossed me out was the fact it had been autopsied. The thick string that held the autopsy openings together were pulling apart and the inside was a gut soup that was leaking out. There wasn’t much to write on the information sheet – “autopsy performed”, and “piece of a shirt in the body bag.” Once again, the body was transferred to a cremation box and put in the cooler. “Well” says Lynn, “you okay?” I had to take a second and take in what I just saw, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t passed out or barfed but like I said, it was hard to think of them of once people, they were so far from looking human anymore. “It’s hard to focus with such an awful smell” I said and Lynn surprised me with a “Smell? That was nothing; I was actually surprised at how little they did smell!” I wish I could describe what the smell is like because so many people are curious but I honestly can’t, not yet.
The next task was to dress two decedents. They were washed and ready for dressing. Both were women and they were elderly. I looked for the clothes the family had brought for them in our closet. The bags were tagged with our inventory forms. I checked the clothes and accessories in the bags to the inventory forms to make sure it was all accounted for. Sometimes families ask “do we need socks and underwear too?” and we tell them that it’s great to provide anything the person would have worn normally. The embalming apprentice helped me with the first dressing and gave me tips along the way. He told me how to lift the legs, arms, what the best ways to get different kinds of shirts on, etc. Dressing the dead is not easy. They are cold, heavy and sometimes hard to bend. To be perfectly honest, I found fitting the bras the most difficult. Before you put it on, you hook it on the loosest loops then put it over the head, and then you put the arms through. Once the arms are through the arms holes, the band and cups are around the armpits to you have to try and yank it down below the breasts. The other problem though is that the breasts are settled to the sides of the body and they don’t fill the cups no matter how hard you try. Also, shoes can be tricky – the feet swell and they can be hard to fit.
After the dressings I was called from upstairs to help a funeral director with a service and I was happy to call that the end of my day in the prep room. I was cold and desperately felt like taking a shower.
That afternoon I reflected on my first surreal time in the prep room, I remembered how I previously feared that it could go very badly, and I felt proud that I got through it. Then I also remembered I had the next morning to experience it all over again, what surprises would tomorrow bring? I don’t think there’s any real way to prepare.
Tags: a day in the life, crematorium, dead, dead smell, death, decomposed, dressing, embalmer, Funeral, funeral director, funeral girl, funeral job, funeral profession, interview, mortician, the funeral girl, undertaker
I’ve been asked what happens if you can’t get the jewellery off the body and whether jewellery can be left on or not when it comes time to burial, cremation, etc .
It’s our policy that when we are picking up the body at the location to bring it back to our home, we check for jewellery. If there happens to be jewellery on the person we do try our best to get it off and then give it to the nurse, care home person, whomever, to make note it was removed and return it to the family. On the rare occasion where the jewellery doesn’t want to come off, we inform the appropriate person and make a note of it ourselves. Most of the time, it’s the rings that don’t want to come off swollen fingers. Sometimes the family is aware it’s been left on too; often the family has been with the person in their final days and does remove the jewellery or attempts to take it off. When we meet with the family back at the funeral home to make arrangements, we bring up specifically what was left on the body and we ask if they would like it removed. If so, with rings it’s a matter of some cold cream and a string. The cold cream is slippery and then you shimmy the ring off with the string. Worst case scenario, we have the tools to cut any jewellery off as well, but it’s all about communicating to the family first that it may be the only way.
A family can decide if they would like any jewellery to remain on the person when they are buried or cremated, it’s their decision. Sometimes they have jewellery kept on just for the viewing/visitation. It’s my understanding so far with cremation though, that some metals will not break down, the jewellery would be ruined though and possibly removed before the remains are grinded down – and they will not be returned. Another option is to place the jewellery in the cremated remains when transferred to the urn.
Tags: burial, cemetery, crematorium, embalmer, funeral director, funeral girl, funeral professional, funeral service interview, interview, jewellery on deceased, the funeral girl
My tour guide was one of the managers, who I shall call Guido for the sake of this post, he greeted me as soon as I got in the door and we were on our way. We started by looking at the room where the services are held. There were about 15 lines of wooden benches/pews (are they still called pews if it’s not in a church?) on either side of the aisle and a couple of nice flat screen TV’s that hung at the front for videos or picture galleries. Next we went through the meeting rooms where the funeral directors sit down with the families, they had shelves and tables with some examples of keepsake memorabilia that families can purchase to commemorate their loved ones. Then there was the room with sample urns, and coffins. They only had a couple of full size coffins, all the rest were quarter coffins – just samples. Guido explained that you can buy packages, like the “full funeral service” package, one was labelled $9,945.00. Or, the other option is you buy a la carte, “Just like at McDonalds” Guido explained… “I don’t want a value meal, I just want some nuggets and a Coke”. He said it in a soft spoken almost serious tone, I guess he was used to that tone in this particular room but I had to laugh… “Yep, I get it Guido.”
He took me through a hall of waiting rooms, one for the clergy, a small reception room for the immediate family to gather prior to a service, and the funeral overflow room. Then we went to the reception room, it was one of the nicest I’d ever seen. There was a large, beautiful mahogany fireplace and mahogany accents throughout the room. There were a few wooden tables with seating for 4 along the back of the room, as well as oversized patterned arm chairs. In the centre of the room was a long table with pretty shiny silver antique platters. Two sets of French doors opened up to a large patio with lots of greenery. There was a kitchen off to the side, I asked who they contracted for catering and Guido said all of it’s done in-house.
Next we went to an area for the cemetery sales team, managers and admin staff. I hadn’t really thought of a cemetery sales team before but they do just that, find people interested in preplanning for their own funerals and buying plots. I learned that although the cemetery and funeral service staff team up, they are actually completely separate divisions.
Afterwards we headed down a hallway where the walls changed to white and the floor was no longer nice cushy carpet but white linoleum…and very clean, like a hospital, and I knew where we were heading.
The first door opened to a garage, inside was a limo, Guido mentioned they have two but one was out, and then there was a hurse and a van. They also have a couple of golf carts to get around the cemetery and to the crematorium down the way. The next door went to another garage room and I saw a couple of 6 foot boxes on trolleys. Guido said “Those are going to the embalming room today to be prepped then taken to the crematorium.” There was also a very, very large fridge. He asked if I wanted to see inside and I agreed. He opened the door and I saw 15 white body bags on metal sheets. The bags kind of formed around the bodies. It seemed unreal, something you would see on TV. My eyes went to one bag that was unzipped on top; I could see the top of a head and a mess of orangey-red tangled hair. That made it real. Guido closed the massive door and a smell wafted past my nose, definitely an unpleasant scent…one I wasn’t prepared to take in. I briefly had a moment where I thought to myself “What if I can’t handle the smells? The smell of death when the body isn’t in a fridge anymore and the chemicals…” *shudder*
“How bizarre” I mentioned to Guido, “hard to believe I’ll be lying in a fridge one day.” “Oh we don’t think about that here, we all seem to have this mentality that it’s never going to happened to us.” he says. “What? How can you not?” I was already thinking about it.
The embalming room was next but I couldn’t go in as an embalming was taking place. After my glimpse in the fridge I figured it might be a little too much for one day anyway. I was taken to one last room and it was somewhat like a prep room before the embalming room. Guido explained that some religions, such as Muslims and Sikh’s, often perform rituals to the bodies before it’s taken in for prep and this is where it would be done. It was a sterile room, with a large stainless steel sink and a curtain.
We made our way back to the nice carpeted area with warmly painted walls and we ended our tour with a view of the funeral directors office and a couple more managers’ offices.
It was a weird feeling the first time I went to the funeral home because nobody had died, I felt like I should be sad. After meeting several of the employees, most along this tour (about 20), I felt very comfortable – there’s a sense of family here. They aren’t what most would stereotype as funeral staff either, they aren’t morbid, they are happy, smiling, sincere, and have wonderful senses of humor. Another thing I have to mention is how young everyone looks, very young. Guido shared his age with me and he seriously looked 20 years younger, he mentioned a couple of other people that I had met that were just as old. I honestly believe it has to be the embalming fluids in the air – they are preserving everyone. Forget Botox, work for a funeral home. Hmmm, I should talk to their marketing team. Anyway, it was a great day. I am going to like it here.
Tags: a day in the life, bodies, body bag, cemetery, crematorium, diary, embalmer, embalming, Funeral, funeral director, funeral girl, funeral professional, funeral service, Guido. coffins, interview, mortician, the funeral girl, undertaker
I took a tour of the funeral home this morning which I plan to write about soon, but I came home today to find an online personality test in my inbox from the International Funeral Service Association. Even though I have the job, I’m required to fill this out before I start. Anyway, I’m feeling really weird about it so I was compelled to tell you about it.
So I click to begin and it tells me that I’m going to be presented with rows of 4 words, and I need to click on the 1 word that most describes me and the 1 word that least describes me when I am at work only. Well, the choices I was presented with honestly dumbfounded me. Here is an example:
1) Life-of-the-Party 2) Argumentative 3) Uncooperative 4) Dominant
Hmmm, perhaps you can see why? In my head there was a separation: Life-of-the-Party could be seen as both positive and negative but Argumentative, Uncooperative and Dominant certainly didn’t seem to have any positive tone. One thing was for sure, none of these (most or least) suited a person in the funeral profession. I’m definitely a social, happy person at work so I chose Life-of-the-Party as most and Uncooperative as least. I had about 30 rows of these to go through and once I hit “Submit”, a message came up that the results will soon be sent to me and my employer. What I want to know is how on earth they’re going to determine what kind of employee I’m going to be?! Especially based on that one example, am I going to determined as some kind of unruly animal? I have to go back tomorrow to sign some more papers so I might bring it up, it just seems so ridiculous. I’ll keep you all posted on my results.
Tags: Funeral, funeral director, funeral girl, funeral profession, funeral professional, interview, personality, personality test, questions
So some people have asked me why the interviews took so long and what kinds of questions were asked. First I was briefly interviewed by two individuals then had interviews with them both. I was asked why I wanted to get into this career (See ABOUT) and then about my expectations. Next, they wanted to know all about me. I told them where I lived, went to school, and they pressed on for more info…what do your parents do, what are they like, do you have any siblings, what are they like, what does your husband do, what does he think of you in this profession? etc. They said it was important for them to get to know me as much as possible to get to know what kind of person I am. Then the formal interview questions came: Tell us about a time you were under a lot of pressure, what type of work environment to do you prefer to work in, tell about a time someone confided in you, what would you say to a family that looked at the cost of a funeral and said “that’s just too expensive!”, did you handle any adverse situations in your last job, have you ever faced an ethical dilemma, when did you exceed expectations? The list went on and on, and they even asked some of the same questions more than once, but they wanted me to give them another example. My favourite question had to be from John, “Let’s say there was a employee…let’s say a female, who was very opinionated, thought she knew the answer to everything, thought her way was the only and best way, and always needed to be the center of attention…how would you handle her?” I laughed and at this point we were quite comfortable in the interview and I said “John, is there somebody, let’s say a female, that you want to give me the head’s up about?” “You’re perceptive!” he says. I have to say, I even surprised myself at how well I did and they said they saw me in management in 5 years. I felt terrific but as I drove home after the first interview I couldn’t help but think about the one question specific to this profession that shouldn’t have caught me off guard but did, “Tell us about the most difficult death you’ve had to deal with.” It’s a question we rarely ask one another so it was surprising how awkward it was to give a response but as far as answers go, who’s to judge?
Tags: death, Funeral, funeral director, funeral girl, funeral profession, funeral professional, interview, interview questions, John, questions
The funeral service profession doesn’t often come to peoples’ minds as a career choice but I just so happened to always have it in the back of mine. My cousin Faith is in the business and at one point even owned a funeral home. It was hearing her stories from a young age that made me think that she had such an interesting job and every time I went to a funeral I’d think of her and the people behind the scenes.
At first, I decided to do some online research to see what it entailed and I discovered two things: 1) Although there are many different capacities and roles, funeral directing seemed to be the area I was most interested in and 2) it would require doing an apprenticeship to get a license and there was a high possibility it would also require training as an Embalmer. Other than that I couldn’t find out much more – there’s a lack of information out there. So I figured another two things: 1) I gotta call Faith and 2) if this works out, I should spread some information out there – voila, this blog.
I met with Faith and she agreed I fit the funeral director profile (see “About” page) and then I asked about the apprenticeship. She explained that the company she works for requires that funeral directors are also embalmers. The reason being, that they own numerous homes (that’s common) and not all funeral homes have service centers. A service centre is where all the preparatory work, embalming and casketing is completed. So if I were hired to work in a smaller facility that did not have a service center, as a funeral director I would need to do the embalming as well as all the other duties required to serve the family.
It’s not that I have a problem being near a dead person, and I find embalming very interesting…I just don’t know if my weak stomach can handle it. Faith explained that the actual fluid process is quite simple, just a small incision in the neck where the chemicals flow in and the blood flows out but it’s the autopsy bodies that take a while to get used to. Also, there’s no middle man between the time of death and the embalmer…the body goes straight to you from wherever it may be…the hospital, scene of the accident, you name it, you see it all. She said though that it’s very rare that you jump right into an apprenticeship, you usually have to be involved with the funeral home first whether it be volunteering, being an attendant, being on call or lucking out with an admin job. I didn’t want to rule out this potential career, I’d try embalming, so I asked if she had any references. The next thing you know, she’s opened the door for me and I’m meeting with a GM at a local funeral home, one who I shall call John.
The first meeting with John was just to discuss the biz and offer my services on a volunteer basis but it just so happened that this funeral home was really swamped. John took a closer look at my qualifications and then subjected me to a rather intense interviewing process. Over the course of 3 meetings I completed a good 7 hours of sit down interview time. I also had several forms to fill out including drug and alcohol testing forms, a criminal record check and I supplied them with 6 references. (I swear, if this career doesn’t work out I’m going to be a professional interviewer). At the end of the process though, I was given an admin job where I will primarily be assisting funeral directors.
I couldn’t ask for a better start though, I will be working with everyone – the funeral directors, managers, admin staff, cemetery staff and embalmers. I already knew John and I would get along well, he was so kind-hearted, had a great sense of humor and we had some things in common, like our favourite place to travel. A couple of other people I had met so far too I knew I would enjoy working with. This was going to be a great start job to learn all about the profession and at the same time this would ensure that I was the right fit for myself and the company. It was good timing too. It’s almost February and the apprenticeships only start in September. I will have a chance to witness embalming and determine if I want to go ahead with a funeral directing/embalming apprenticeship. It’s not like I couldn’t just do a funeral directing apprenticeship, especially this place, it has the funeral home, service center and cemetery – the full package. I just might be eliminating some options in the future. Just so you know, there is just an embalming apprenticeship too. Some people go into it wanting to do both and love the embalming side. No matter what though, John informed me that even if I don’t take the embalming apprenticeship that I am required, and will have fun doing, the washing, dressing, hair and makeup on the deceased. “Fun?” I asked John, “Well yeah” he replied, “what are the first three letters of funeral?” and a big glowing smile wiped across his face.
Tags: a day in the life, admin, apprenticeship, attendant, career, casketing, cemetery, dead, diary, directing, dressing, embalmer, embalming, Faith, fluid, fun, Funeral, funeral director, funeral girl, funeral job, funeral profession, funeral professional, funeral service, girl, hair, incision, interview, job, John, makeup, mortician, profession, service center, the funeral girl, undertaker, washing